Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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