I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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