____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
