Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
