Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
