My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
