Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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