I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
