i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
