He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Mom said you looked used
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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