So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
