i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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