So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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