Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
