All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
