I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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