Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
