Quick, to the slutcave!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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