during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
