I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
