Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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