Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He kissed a someone with a penis
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
