I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
a search helicopter?!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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