So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
