i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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