4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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