Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
