Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
