This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
