careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
