Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
