You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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