I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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