idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
