i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
