just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
