I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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