Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
