When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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