new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
