i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
