i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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