Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Can I color on your dick again?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
