Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
