I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
