who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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