Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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