The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
