I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
