Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
