I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
