No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
