I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
