both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize