His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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