I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
