Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
